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What the Hell You Talkin' 'Bout, Everything's Just Fine 'Round Here!
What Would You do if Your Company
Offered You this "Job Security Insurance Plan"?
And What Will a
"Cafeteria Revenue Amplification Program" do to Your Lunch
Remember When... ?
Biz-Wiz Rob Rudeway's
Fantastic Moneymaking Ideas Dept.
Productivity Pundit Sam Scalpel Takes Aim at
Your Company's Restrooms!
Scalpel's Scheme for the
Company Blood-Donor Program! "Your Pint Goes Right
to the Bottom Line!"
Guest Opinion: Former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill on Executive Abuse.
what the hell you talkin' 'bout, everything's just fine 'round
Many of our fellow citizens have not experienced the level of rudeness, anger
incompetence of service that we talk about at this site. Certainly there are a few places left in this
country where civility, consideration, and thoughtfulness survive. For the people fortunate
enough to live in these civil and humane places we suggest taking a look at
our anger and rudeness in
the news and who says we're rude pages to get an idea of the transgressions and bad
behavior that the rest of us have to endure -- as reported by the media.
Also, look over some of the consumer scams that the rest of us have to be on the lookout
for on our Consumer pages.
And how about your elected officials (local and national)? Are they all
that you think they are? Do you think the campaign contributions they get from
individuals and Orgs influence their vote in ways you may not approve of?
Follow the money and see who they get their
campaign and other contributions from at Project
Vote Smart or opensecrets.org and think about how
that might influence their vote and the principles they espouse (more
citizens' links here). You can look at their
voting record, too. In the meantime we hope that life stays polite
and pleasant in your neck of the woods and, by the way, would you Please
drop us an e-mail letting us know where things are so nice? Thank You.
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How will the New Thinking in the Business Community Impact us
Working Stiffs? Here are a few Excerpts from the Book "Rx for Profits" by the Ruthless
Efficiency and Downsizing Consultant, Sam
Scalpel, who Advises Top Corporate Honchos how to Improve Their Bottom
Line. Hey, this could be Your Company!...
Sam Scalpel's Rx #67: The Company Job Security Insurance Program:
A voluntary "tithe" shall be withheld from employees' paychecks as a form of "Job
Security Insurance," guaranteeing that the employee will be given priority consideration
at each of the Company's future downsizings. How it works: As employees sign up,
priority consideration will be given to those who donate proportionally greater "insurance
premiums" in relation to their salaries, so they have a better chance of
keeping their jobs the more they contribute. This means that the wisest thing an employee
can do is to sign up for the maximum possible amount that they can afford.
This program, structured as a healthy and beneficial form of employee competition, will
result in massive payroll savings to The Company! Company shareholders will find this
a very desirable situation, as it constitutes a payroll buyback
program, which is a very attractive alternative to a stock buyback
program, which the company really can't afford (largely because of the generous compensation packages enjoyed by top
Sam Scalpel's Rx #78: Cafeteria Revenue
Amplification Program (CRAP):
Employees will be asked to help recycle uneaten foods that they have purchased from
the company cafeteria. They will be instructed on how to sort the various categories of recyclable
foods (uneaten bread, vegetables, meats, etc.) so that the cafeteria staff will be able to
spend the minimum amount of time sterilizing and reprocessing the foods. Reprocessed food, which
cuts the cost of "raw materials," will be used to create surprise exotic treats like
"déjà vu duck," "ropa mas vieja," "soup du hier," "babagawhah?," "shrimp mal
"clones-of-scones," "kreplach mysterioso," and many other tasty ethnic dishes.
This program can be incentivized by distributing coupons that are valued according to
the weight of the recycled food materials that each employee turns in to
Recycling Alimentary Program (CRAP2). The coupons may be redeemed at the
cafeteria checkout registers in the form of price discounts (on recycled food purchases
only). As the cafeteria staff gradually progresses up the learning curve of food recycling
technology, the program can be expanded to include the recycling of unused take-out
foods that employees have brought into the building to consume.
A further expansion of this program will target those employees who go out to
restaurants for meals. They will be urged to save their uneaten portions and bring
doggie bags back to
CRAP2. This program is environmentally correct and will offset
bad press that the Company may receive for any future discoveries of accounting irregularities,
dumping, asbestos problems, or nuclear reactor gas releases
(or any other problems that might be discovered) that have occurred in
businesses The Company engaged in.
Other long-term medical-related benefits: Participating employees will enjoy relief of the
sense of wastefulness that people experience when they are served more than they
really care to eat (a psychological benefit -- the medical plan's psychiatric payouts will
be further reduced as a result). In addition, employees who realize that they can
recycle what they don't wish to eat will not feel pressured to "clean their plates" and will
thus eat less, helping them control their weight, feel healthier and therefore
use less sick time! Thus we see the manifold possibilities for revenue and productivity enhancement
under this plan.
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Remember When... ?# #
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the days when "Garbage was Garbage" and Identity Theft was unheard of?
When it was safe to throw away your old files, bills, mail, cancelled
checks, etc. without having to shred them? (Check out this page to learn more about privacy issues.)
Remember when CEO pay was, on average, "only" 42 times that of
production workers? Now it's 400 times! See Congressman Martin O. Sabos' site and the
Executive Pay Watch site
for more on this issue. Also, go to our Consumer
Protection page for more corporate abuse info links.
Inspired by the Quality Level of so
of Today's Products and Services, Biz-Whiz Rob Rudeway has come up with
Some Fantastic $$-Making Ideas Free and at No Cost! (Redundancy
intended; Ethics not included).
This Month's Plan: Entrepreneurs who really don't have any good ideas can still make a
bundle! You can market a product that people will pay for, yet costs you
nothing to manufacture!
Inspiration: A few years ago Rob Rudeway ordered two gizmos that plug
into the wall outlet and which allegedly used the house wiring as a large antenna to get
improved TV reception. When they arrived they rattled as if there
were lots of loose and broken parts inside them and, of course, they didn't
work. Rob contacted the company (with some difficulty -- it was mail
order) and they eventually shipped 2 replacement units which arrived in the
same condition! It was hard to imagine how they could have been so
badly damaged in shipping. Rob was about to walk away from the
situation, but became curious as to what it would take to make matters
right. He found that it took a great deal of time and effort and threats to contact
the Consumer Authorities, but he eventually got a full refund.
This experience suggested a great new business model...
You can pick up, from manufacturers, for little or no money (or even be paid to take away),
gadgets and parts that are factory rejects and are about to be discarded
as defective, broken, or otherwise useless.
You then advertise these
objects as new, at super bargain prices, and sit back and wait for
the orders to come in. You ship the flawed items, leading to the
inevitable complaints, which your company will make good on, providing the
unhappy customers with a full refund, less the shipping and handling
charges, which you have set to be a fraction of the actual "shipping and
handling." (Of course, you don't make it easy for them, just utilize
the usual customer service tricks that so many bad retailers use
nowadays.) However, since most
customers are either practical or apathetic, they won't even bother to complain at all,
especially if the total cost is carefully chosen to be below the threshold
at which it's worth the bother to bitch! (Frankly, how much of
your time would you spend to recover, say, a paltry $8.95?) They'll just walk away from the deal without further complaint,
and you've made a tidy profit! (All for just circulating junk through the
And if a customer really puts up a stink, you refund the full amount,
avoiding any tangle with the Consumer Authorities -- so you're covered
legally. (And the Postal Service will probably get the blame for the
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Excerpts from the Book "Rx for Profits":
Sam Scalpel's Rx #32: Company Restroom Efficiency Enhancements:
The company should endeavor to replace all of the restroom toilet paper dispensers
with new models that carry two or more giant rolls, thereby reducing labor requirements
for toilet-roll replacement by better than half. In addition, the new toilet paper should be
noticeably narrower and thinner (a direct savings in materials) as well as
more abrasive. The combination of abrasiveness and narrowness acts synergistically to create a very
powerful incentive for company bathroom-goers: they will become more efficient in the
use of the product in order to minimize the harsh, grating experience of the company
wipe. The net materials savings will be appreciable.
But there is also another more significant and far-reaching benefit: In the long run, the
new paper will encourage employees to take care of toilet matters in the privacy and
comfort of their own home, using their own full-sized and user-friendly paper, on their
own time, in order to minimize company-paperwipe discomfort. It is here that the really
significant value of these improvements takes place, for we obtain a profound
productivity gain, due to the anticipated reduction of non-productive bathroom
These materials savings and productivity gains should enhance the bottom line
Sam Scalpel's Rx # 56: Profitizing the Company Blood Donor
The Company's annual blood drive can be expanded to a quarterly drive, with the
three additional collections being conducted on a "for profit" basis, managed by an outside
blood wholesaler who will pay The Company a "per pint" fee. Employees will be
encouraged to donate blood by means of numerous incentives. For example, each
donor will be allowed a choice of 2 blood tests to be provided free with each donation
(tests for blood sugar or cholesterol or other blood tests for various maladies that have
been made popular and sensationalized by the media). Other incentives include a
choice of two items from The Company retail store (selections taken from unsold
overstocked inventory, of course).
This program will be promoted 'in house' by appealing to employees' sense of
community and company loyalty. It can, for example, be pointed out that volunteering
blood will help improve the quality of our communities' blood supply by reducing the
ratio of substance-abuse street donors to employed-citizen
donors. Slogans can also be employed to encourage participation, such as,
"Donate some Heme -- Make the Profit Margin Steam!," and "The Red you
Give Takes the Red out of our Balance Sheet,"
or "Your Pint Goes Right to the Bottom Line!"
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Former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill
several times has vigorously condemned unethical behavior by corporate
executives, saying in June '02 for instance: "I think people who abuse our
trust, we oughta hang them from the very highest branch." Very
eloquent, Mr. Secretary.
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